Mars Venus TV - Episode 3

Intro:

This week in episode three of Mars Venus we're tackling a topic close to everyone's heart – relationships. They play such a major role in our lives but we seem to have such trouble getting it right.

We've got plenty of sensitive issues for our panel to ponder – do men walk away more easily? Would you bring in a third person to help salvage your relationship? Would you hire a private detective to spy on your partner? Would you ever consider having an affair?

Our Panellists:

Rebecca Gibney, Alex Perry, Derryn Hinch, Prue MacSween & Kerry Armstrong

See panellist profiles

Our Guests:

Mary Moody:

After 30 years of marriage, monogamy and motherhood, gardening writer Mary Moody did something she never thought she would - embarked on an affair. It was a time of intense emotional upheaval for her and her filmmaker husband David Hannay, and their family.

As a 52-year-old grandmother and mother of four grown-up children, Mary says she was determined not to let her fling with a French university professor wreck her 31 years of marriage.

It all started when she turned 50 and left her family in Australia for six months to live in a remote French village, detailing her experiences in her 2001 book, Au Revoir. She then abandoned her long-time presenting role on the ABC's Gardening Australia to write a follow up novel about her travelling experiences.

Mary says she wasn't looking for an affair, yet found herself caught up in what seemed like a holiday romance but turned out to be something much stronger. Her 2003 book Last Tango in Toulouse is a frank, honest and painful account of this time.

Living in the French town of Frayssinet-le-Gelat, the last thing Mary expected was having an affair. She was in a café in Toulouse when a man approached her, and in her words, she just went along with it. She says she did not feel she had the confidence to have an affair. She did not feel attractive enough. In her eyes she was a plump, middle-aged woman.

Mary says it was a totally terrifying experience the whole time she was having the relationship. She says that allowing somebody other than your husband to see you without your clothes on after 30 years of marriage is an extremely confronting experience. She says the physical side of the relationship enjoyed only a brief flowering before she was overcome with the reality of her situation. Maybe she was living every middle-aged woman's fantasy but her real life was back in Australia with David.

Mary says she flew back into Sydney after an eventful 12 months to be confronted by David, who had essentially guessed what was going on. Mary says she was just not capable of lying to him. She says she would never have admitted it if he had not already worked it out.

The affair was devastating to her marriage but she says David has been very understanding and supportive. Communication between them subsequently improved and they have become closer. Mary says David has even spoken to his rival and had found him 'a thoroughly civilised and erudite fellow'. She says: "The important thing now is that David and I are still together. We are happy, we have each other and we are dealing with it."

While she does not regret the enjoyment of the affair itself, Mary deeply regrets the damage and pain her marriage has endured. She has also had to deal with the reaction from her family - her daughter and daughters-in-law have been a lot more understanding than her sons.

She says it has reinforced her views on monogamy and marriage: "I always believed during my 30 years of marriage monogamy was essential for its survival. Though I tried to convince myself I could love two people and juggle two relationships, ultimately it is too fraught with emotional difficulties." Mary says she has no regrets going public and that it has been a cathartic experience.

In Last Tango in Toulouse, Mary writes:

'One of the main problems, it seems, is the shift in the needs of men and women after thirty years of marriage, especially if the children have left home. Most men at this stage are approaching retirement and they start to look to their family for love and support; even if they have been out and about pursuing their career for decades, suddenly their sphere of interest contracts and they want to spend more time at home developing relationships that may have been on the back burner for years. At exactly the same moment women are coming out of their shell after decades of home-making and nurturing and starting to look outside the home for excitement and fulfilment. It seems nature plays a cruel trick on us. Or perhaps it's nature's way of saying that we simply don't belong together as couples 'happily ever after'.'

'[David and I] have some terrible moments, but we also have some moments of pure joy as we go through the process of talking it out and coming to terms with it and laying it, finally, to rest. At times we are even able to laugh about it. And what surprises me more than anything else is that my sexual feelings for my husband are stronger than they have been for many years. And his for me. I have read that having an affair can be good for a marriage, and in that respect it certainly seems to be good for ours. But in the overall scheme of things it really isn't, I finally conclude, such a wonderful idea. While it was thrilling for me and for the man from Toulouse when it was actually happening, it was extremely painful for us both to let go of each other at the end. It has caused pain to a large number of people I love and whose love and respect are very important to me. And it has changed my marriage forever. In many respects I love David even more for his tolerance and forbearance in the face of my betrayal, but for him something has vanished from our relationship that can never be restored.'

'Like the men who go through a classic mid-life crisis and ditch their faithful wife of twenty-five years and go off with a young blonde, I feel a dread of being too old or too unattractive to appeal sexually to men. It's ridiculous and pathetic, but for me - and I think for many women of my age - it's real and very unsettling.'

'As for the love affair that caused so much pain for David and other members of my family, on one level it truly appalls me. But for myself alone I don't have a moment's regret. The sheer power of it, combined with the excitement and mischievous fun of being such a bad girl, was addictive. I know it was selfish, but somehow I just couldn't help myself. The fact that it turned out to be such a rare and lovely experience adds to my determination never to look back at what happened with anguish.'

Jason Stevens:

Being a sports star in this country is usually a sure way to get lots of girls, but for star footballer Jason Stevens, having any woman he wanted left him frustrated and unfulfilled. So eight years ago, aged just 22 and with a high profile rugby league career with the Cronulla Sharks in full swing, Jason became a born-again Christian and swore off sex until he married. Now 30, Jason says he's still looking for love. Early last year he self-published Worth the Wait: True Love And Why The Sex Is Better, a book that shares his personal experiences about saving sex for marriage.

With a degree in commerce, Jason defies the stereotype image of a rugby league player. He's no wimp though - his thumb was ripped off in the 1993 St George Grand Final against Brisbane! He says that in the rugby league world of lucrative salaries, fast cars and beautiful women, the temptations confronting high profile players can be hard to resist. And in the early years of his career, he didn't hold back. He says he did plenty of chasing and cheating, but eventually realised these relationships were without substance or love.

A radical change occurred in 1996. As yet another relationship came to a painful end, a friend challenged Jason to take a step back and analyse the way he was leading his life. Jason had had a religious upbringing but no one had spoken about refraining from sex before marriage. Quite honestly, he thought God was boring and couldn't understand why you would restrict something that felt so good. But his decision to become a Christian helped change his perspective. He chose celibacy.

Considering the culture of rugby league, Jason's decision to go public was gutsy. He braced himself for the expected backlash among his peers, but to his surprise was applauded for his stance not only in the football community but in the wider society too.

Jason says he just wanted to help people consider this way of life, particularly as a way of combating the pressures young people feel to become sexually active at the wrong time in their lives.

"Sex is a valuable, wonderful thing," says Jason. "You need to build up trust to get to a relationship that involves sex that actually lasts. I'm totally for sex, I'm looking forward to sharing it with my wife, but I've found it's only best in a committed relationship."

In his book, Jason gives seven reasons for waiting:

• sex is the gift of a lifetime
• emotional hurt can come from non-permanent sex
• having a better relationship because at the wrong time sex can consume a relationship trust
• experiencing something new for your wedding day
• no diseases
• no regrets about becoming sexually active too early

He says that sex at the wrong time can disappoint, hurt and even prevent you from developing a relationship based on true love.

Jason admits the temptation to have sex is always there, but that the past eight years have taught him to be patient and to wait for that special person.

Episode One: Is Plastic So Fantastic?
Episode Two: Where Are All the Blokes?
Episode Three: Who Strays and Who Stays?
Episode Four: Does Fat Matter?
Episode Five: Bosses v Babies: The Juggling Act
Episode Six: When Too Much Is Not Enough

Find A Coach | Become A Coach | About Mars Venus Coaching | Site Map | Contact Us | Home